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Actual exchanges between
pilots and control towers.
Tower:
"TWA
2341, for noise abatement turn
right 45 Degrees."
TWA
2341: "Center,
we are at 35,000
feet. How much noise
can we make up
here?"
Tower:
"Sir,
have you ever heard
the noise a 747
makes when it hits a
727?"
___________________________________
O'Hare
Approach Control to
a 747: "United
329 heavy, your
traffic is a Fokker,
one o'clock, three
miles, Eastbound."
United
329: "Approach,
I've always wanted
to say this....I've
got the little
Fokker in sight."
___________________________________
A
student became lost
during a solo
cross-country
flight. While
attempting to locate
the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked,"What
was your last known
position?"
Student:
"When
I was number one for
takeoff."
___________________________________
A
DC-10 had come in a
little hot and thus
had an exceedingly
long roll out after
touching down. San
Jose Tower noted:
"American
751, make a hard
right turn at the
end of the runway,
if you are able. If
you are not able,
take the Guadeloupe
exit off Highway
101, make a right at
the lights and
return to the
airport."
___________________________________
A
Pan Am 727 flight,
waiting for start
clearance in Munich,
overheard the
following:
Lufthansa
(in German): "Ground,
what is our start
clearance time?"
Ground
(in English): "If
you want an answer
you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa
(in English): "I
am a German, flying
a German airplane,
in Germany. Why
must I speak
English?"
Unknown
voice from another
plane (in a
beautiful British
accent):
"Because you
lost the bloody
war!"
___________________________________
Tower:
"Eastern
702, cleared for
takeoff, contact
Departure on
frequency 124.7"
Eastern
702: "Tower,
Eastern 702
switching to
Departure. By the
way, after we lifted
off we saw some kind
of dead animal on
the far end of the
runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635,
cleared for takeoff
behind Eastern 702,
contact Departure on
frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that
report from Eastern
702?"
Continental
635: "Continental
635, cleared for
takeoff, roger; and
yes, we copied
Eastern... We've
already notified our
caterers."
___________________________________
One
day the pilot of a
Cherokee 180 was
told by the tower to
hold short of the
active runway while
a DC-8 landed. The
DC-8 landed, rolled
out, turned around,
and taxied back past
the Cherokee. Some
quick-witted
comedian in the DC-8
crew got on the
radio and said: "What
a cute little plane.
Did you make it all
by yourself?"
The
Cherokee pilot, not
about to let the
insult go by, came
back with a real
zinger:
"I
made it out of DC-8
parts. Another
landing like yours
and I'll have enough
parts for another
one."
___________________________________
The
German air
controllers at
Frankfurt Airport
are renowned as a
short-tempered lot.
They not only expect
one to know one's
gate parking
location, but how to
get there without
any assistance from
them. So it was
with some amusement
that we listened to
the following
exchange between
Frankfurt ground
control and a
British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird
206.
Speedbird
206: "
Frankfurt, Speedbird
206! clear of active
runway."
Ground:
"Speedbird
206. Taxi to gate
Alpha One-Seven."
The
BA 747 pulled onto
the main taxiway and
slowed to a stop.
Ground:
"Speedbird,
do you not know
where you are
going?"
Speedbird
206: "Stand
by, Ground, I'm
looking up our gate
location now."
Ground
(with quite arrogant
impatience): "Speedbird
206, have you not
been to Frankfurt
before?"
Speedbird
206 (coolly): "Yes,
twice in 1944, but
it was dark, -- And
I didn't land."
___________________________________
While
taxiing at London's
Airport, the crew of
a US Air flight
departing for Ft
Lauderdale made a
wrong turn and came
nose to nose with a
United 727.
An
irate female ground
controller lashed
out at the US Air
crew, screaming: "US
Air 2771, where the
hell are you going?
I told you to turn
right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned
right on Delta!
Stop right there. I
know it's difficult
for you to tell the
difference between C
and D, but get it
right!"
Continuing
her rage to the
embarrassed crew,
she was now shouting
hysterically:
"God!
Now you've screwed
everything up! It'll
take forever to sort
this out! You stay
right there and don't
move till I tell you
to! You can expect
progressive taxi
instructions in about
half an hour, and I
want you to go exactly
where I tell you, when
I tell you, and how I
tell you! You got
that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes,
ma'am," the
humbled crew
responded.
Naturally,
the ground control
communications
frequency fell
terribly silent
after the verbal
bashing of US Air
2771. Nobody wanted
to chance engaging
the irate ground
controller in her
current state of
mind. Tension in
every cockpit out
around Gatwick was
definitely running
high. Just then an
unknown pilot broke
the silence and
keyed his
microphone, asking:
"Wasn't
I married to you
once?"
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