Return-path: From: BACKNCARDR@aol.com Full-name: BACKNCARDR Message-ID: <79.b45fa5f.2b9113a8@aol.com> Date: Fri, 28 Feb 2003 14:34:00 EST Subject: Shop-Talk: tools explained To: Aaron@Inreach.com MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="part2_14f.1c7c2e7a.2b9113a8_boundary" X-Mailer: 8.0 for Windows sub 231 --part2_14f.1c7c2e7a.2b9113a8_boundary Content-Type: text/plain; charset="ISO-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > Power and machine tools >=20 > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Can be used to spin Pop rivets in their holes until=20 > you > die of old age, drilling holes that are not quite where you intended and o= n > Sunday afternoons breaking the last of that size drill you have in the box= . >=20 > ANGLE GRINDER. An efficient way of applying molten steel droplets to your > car windshield, clothes and wood shavings. Can be used as an impromptu > surgical tool for removing hair from the chins of bearded men. >=20 > DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat=20 > metal > bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings > your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted=20 > part > you were drying. > =20 > LATHE. The king of machine tools. If you have a lathe any of the > astoundingly stupid things one can do with other - indeed lesser - tools=20 > can > be better achieved with a lathe. > =20 > CHUCK KEY. A tool with stealth characteristics. > =20 > BENCH GRINDER: Often fitted with a grinding wheel on one end of the=20 > spindle > and a wire wheel on the other. The former makes a fine missile launcher in > itself. The latter is a means of cleaning rust off old parts and throwing > them across the workshop at a significant percentage of light speed. Also > efficient at removing fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses i= n > about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...." > =20 > AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes electricity produced in a > coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed > air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact driver that grips rusty=20 > bolts > last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Homer, Alaska - and rounds them= =20 > off. > =20 > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: More efficient than a propane torch. Will set light t= o > your workshop much more quickly. The bottles will also cause greater injur= y > and the fragments cover greater distances in the event of a serious fire. > =20 >=20 > Hand tools > =20 > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is=20 > used > as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the objec= t > at which a blow is aimed. > =20 > STANLEY KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons > delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing > rare manuals, clothing and specially made gaskets. > =20 > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and snap locking wire on the last=20 > half > turn. > =20 > SIDE CUTTERS. Inefficient pliers. > =20 > VISE-GRIPS - Used to round off bolt heads if pliers cannot > do a decent job. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to > transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. > =20 > SCREWDRIVER, flat blade: In its larger sizes, it may be used to cut throug= h > steel sheet, open cans, drive through oil filters, lever heavy machines an= d > scrape off congealed lubrication products. Especially useful when used in > connection with a hammer. Can be used to tighten or loosen screws when new= . > =20 > CROSS HEAD SCREWDRIVER: Frequently referred to as a Phillips Screwdriver, > there are three different forms of cross head screw, therefore ensuring=20 > that > whichever one you have to hand will be incorrect. Normally used to stab th= e > lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt. At= =20 > a > pinch can be used to round off screw heads and as a motor-mount alignment=20 > aid. > =20 > STUD REMOVER:. A three foot length of two by four used to threaten young > men found to be in pursuit of your daughter. > =20 > STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool made from an alloy of carborundum and tungsten tha= t > is ten times harder than any known drill bit. Most examples are specified=20 > to > snap off just below the level of the stud into which you screwed them. > =20 > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board > principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion= , > and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your > future becomes. > =20 > TIN SNIPS: Not very versatile; can normally only be used for cutting thin > metal sheet. > =20 > WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and > motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or > =BD" socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. > =20 > TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up. > Can be used to induce epilepsy in most higher mammals. > =20 > TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. > Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the > sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in workshops. Health > benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at > about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say= , > the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than > light, its name is somewhat misleading. > =20 > CROW BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or > bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a part costing less than > 10 cents. > =20 > HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. > =20 > TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile > strength of ground cables, wiring and brake lines you may have forgotten=20 > to > disconnect. > =20 > BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid > from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your > battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. > =20 > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Useful for levering engines into small spaces. > =20 > EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering engines into smaller > space. > =20 > TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. > =20 > PHONE: Good for calling for help. >=20 >=20 --part2_14f.1c7c2e7a.2b9113a8_boundary Content-Type: text/html; charset="ISO-8859-1" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable

Power and machine tools

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Can be used to spin Pop rivets in their holes until you=
die of old age, drilling holes that are not quite where you intended and on<= BR> Sunday afternoons breaking the last of that size drill you have in the box.<= BR>
ANGLE GRINDER. An efficient way of applying molten steel droplets to your car windshield, clothes and wood shavings. Can be used as an impromptu
surgical tool for removing hair from the chins of bearded men.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal=
bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part=
you were drying.

LATHE. The king of machine tools. If you have a lathe any of the
astoundingly stupid things one can do with other - indeed lesser - tools can=
be better achieved with a lathe.

CHUCK KEY. A tool with stealth characteristics.

BENCH GRINDER: Often fitted with a grinding wheel on one end of the spindle=
and a wire wheel on the other. The former makes a fine missile launcher in itself. The latter is a means of cleaning rust off old parts and throwing them across the workshop at a significant percentage of light speed. Also efficient at removing fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in<= BR> about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes electricity produced in a
coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact driver that grips rusty bolts=
last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Homer, Alaska -  and rounds t= hem off.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: More efficient than a propane torch. Will set light to<= BR> your workshop much more quickly. The bottles will also cause greater injury<= BR> and the fragments cover greater distances in the event of a serious fire.  

Hand tools

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used=
as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object<= BR> at which a blow is aimed.

STANLEY KNIFE: Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons
delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing rare manuals, clothing and specially made gaskets.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads and snap locking wire on the last half=
turn.

SIDE CUTTERS. Inefficient pliers.

VISE-GRIPS - Used to round off bolt heads if pliers cannot
do a decent job.  If nothing else is  available, they can also be=20= used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
 
SCREWDRIVER, flat blade: In its larger sizes, it may be used to cut through<= BR> steel sheet, open cans, drive through oil filters, lever heavy machines and<= BR> scrape off congealed lubrication products. Especially useful when used in connection with a hammer. Can be used to tighten or loosen screws when new.<= BR>
CROSS HEAD SCREWDRIVER: Frequently referred to as a Phillips Screwdriver, there are three different forms of cross head screw, therefore ensuring that=
whichever one you have to hand will be incorrect. Normally used to stab the<= BR> lids of old-style  paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt.= At a
pinch can be used to round off screw heads and as a motor-mount alignment ai= d.

STUD REMOVER:. A three foot length of two by four used to threaten young men found to be in pursuit of your daughter.

STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool made from an alloy of carborundum and tungsten that<= BR> is ten times harder than any known drill bit. Most examples are specified to=
snap off just below the level of the stud into which you screwed them.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,<= BR> and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your
future becomes.

TIN SNIPS: Not very versatile; can normally only be used for cutting thin metal sheet.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or
=BD"  socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up. Can be used to induce epilepsy in most higher mammals.

TROUBLE LIGHT:  The mechanic's own tanning booth.
Sometimes called a  drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the<= BR> sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found in workshops.  Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, =20= say,
the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark =20= than
light, its name is somewhat misleading.

CROW BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a part costing less than 10 cents.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
strength of ground cables, wiring and brake lines you may have forgotten to=
disconnect.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid
from a battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your
battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Useful for levering engines into small spaces.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering engines into smaller
space.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Good for calling for help.



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