Subject: Turbines are Ruining Aviation or
         Why do I miss flying the Gooney Bird so much?

We gotta get rid of turbines, they are ruining aviation. We need to go
back to big round engines. Anybody can start a turbine, you just need to
move a switch from "OFF" to "START," and then remember to move it back
to  "ON" after a while. My PC is harder to start. Cranking a round
engine  requires skill, finesse and style. On some planes, the pilots
are not even  allowed to do it.


Turbines start by whining for a while, then give a small lady-like poot
and start whining louder.


Round engines give a satisfying rattle-rattle, click-click BANG, more
rattles, another BANG, a big macho fart or two, more clicks, a lot of
smoke and finally a serious low pitched roar. We like that. It's a guy
thing. When you start a round engine, your mind is engaged and you can
concentrate on the flight ahead.


Starting a turbine is like flicking on a ceiling fan: Useful, but
hardly  exciting. Turbines don't break often enough, leading to aircrew
boredom,  complacency and inattention. A round engine at speed looks and
sounds like  it's going to blow at any minute. This helps concentrate
the mind.  Turbines don't have enough control levers to keep a pilot's 
attention.  There's nothing to fiddle with during the flight.


Turbines smell like a Boy Scout camp full of Coleman lanterns. Round
engines smell like God intended flying machines to smell.


I think I hear the nurse coming down the hall. I gotta go.