"TWA 2341, for noise abatement
turn right 45 Degrees."
"Center, we are at
35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
"Sir, have you ever heard the
noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
============================================================
Tower: "Delta 351, you have
traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
============================================================
From an unknown
aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,
identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not
f...ing stupid!"
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O'Hare Approach Control to a
747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles,
Eastbound."
United 239: "Approach, I've always
wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
============================================================
A student became lost during
a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the
aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for take-off."
============================================================
A DC-10 had come in a little
hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching
down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a
hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not
able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
return to the airport."
============================================================
There's a story about the military pilot
calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was
running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was
number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The
dreaded seven-engine approach."
============================================================
Taxiing down the tarmac, a
DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an
hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight
attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?"
"The pilot
was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight
attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
============================================================
A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich
overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground,
what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you
want an answer you must speak in
English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German,
flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak
English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a
beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
============================================================
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared
for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway."
Tower:
"Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure
on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and
yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
==========================================================
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by
the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8
landed.
The DC-8
landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
"What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by
yourself?"
The
Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have
enough parts for another one."
============================================================
The German air controllers at
Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect
one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any
assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747)
listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate
Alpha One- Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main
taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know
where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground,
I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant
impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt
before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944,
but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
============================================================
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the
crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and
came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you
going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on
Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference
between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing
her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now
you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay
right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi
instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell
you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air
2771?"
"Yes,
ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control
communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US
Air 2771.
Nobody
wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of
mind.
Tension in every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the
silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"