Return-Path: Received: from smtpauth05.mail.atl.earthlink.net ([209.86.89.65] verified) by logan.com (CommuniGate Pro SMTP 4.3c2) with ESMTP id 766646 for flyrotary@lancaironline.net; Wed, 02 Mar 2005 13:13:05 -0500 Received-SPF: none receiver=logan.com; client-ip=209.86.89.65; envelope-from=CBarber@TexasAttorney.net Received: from [24.238.245.19] (helo=Notebook) by smtpauth05.mail.atl.earthlink.net with asmtp (Exim 4.34) id 1D6YKa-0000ub-Ox for flyrotary@lancaironline.net; Wed, 02 Mar 2005 13:12:21 -0500 From: "Christopher Barber" To: "Rotary motors in aircraft" Subject: RE: [FlyRotary] FW: Traffic Control .... a little diversion from talking engines. Date: Wed, 2 Mar 2005 12:12:18 -0600 Message-ID: MIME-Version: 1.0 Content-Type: multipart/alternative; boundary="----=_NextPart_000_0140_01C51F21.145F9F40" X-Priority: 3 (Normal) X-MSMail-Priority: Normal X-Mailer: Microsoft Outlook IMO, Build 9.0.2416 (9.0.2910.0) In-Reply-To: X-MimeOLE: Produced By Microsoft MimeOLE V6.00.2900.2180 Importance: Normal X-ELNK-Trace: 1d70e58d8d65c1bfb880f9431927b0049ef193a6bfc3dd48f18669101cdf4d12b6de16fcc9b0c9dd2601a10902912494350badd9bab72f9c350badd9bab72f9c X-Originating-IP: 24.238.245.19 This is a multi-part message in MIME format. ------=_NextPart_000_0140_01C51F21.145F9F40 Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit I have seen that list several times now and it always makes me lol. Thanks. All the best, Chris -----Original Message----- From: Rotary motors in aircraft [mailto:flyrotary@lancaironline.net]On Behalf Of Bobby J. Hughes Sent: Wednesday, March 02, 2005 11:36 AM To: Rotary motors in aircraft Subject: [FlyRotary] FW: Traffic Control .... a little diversion from talking engines. Subject: Ground Traffic Control "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ============================================================ Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!" ============================================================ From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!" ============================================================ O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." ============================================================ A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for take-off." ============================================================ A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ============================================================ There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." ============================================================ Taxiing down the tarmac, a DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." ============================================================ A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." ============================================================ Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." ========================================================== One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." ============================================================ The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One- Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land." ============================================================ While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" ------=_NextPart_000_0140_01C51F21.145F9F40 Content-Type: text/html; charset="us-ascii" Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable
I have=20 seen that list several times now and it always makes me lol.=20 Thanks.
 
All=20 the best,
 
Chris
-----Original Message-----
From: Rotary motors in = aircraft=20 [mailto:flyrotary@lancaironline.net]On Behalf Of Bobby J.=20 Hughes
Sent: Wednesday, March 02, 2005 11:36 = AM
To: Rotary=20 motors in aircraft
Subject: [FlyRotary] FW: Traffic Control = .... a=20 little diversion from talking engines.

 

 
Subject: Ground Traffic Control


  "TWA 2341, for noise = abatement=20 turn right 45 Degrees." 
  "Center, = we are at=20 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"  
  "Sir, have you ever = heard the=20 noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" 

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  Tower: "Delta = 351, you have=20 traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" =20
  Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have = digital=20 watches!"
 =20
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  From an = unknown=20 aircraft waiting in a very long take-off queue: "I'm f...ing=20 bored!" 
  Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft = transmitting,=20 identify yourself immediately!" 
 =20  Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing = bored, not=20 f...ing stupid!" 

=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  O'Hare = Approach Control to a=20 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three = miles,=20 Eastbound." 
   United 239: "Approach, = I've always=20 wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight." =
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  A student = became lost during=20 a solo cross-country flight. 
   While attempting to locate = the=20 aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known=20 position?" 
   Student: "When I was number one for take-off." =
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  A DC-10 had come = in a little=20 hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching=20 down. 
    San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, = make a=20 hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are = not=20 able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the = lights and=20 return to the airport."=20
 =20
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  There's a story about the military = pilot=20 calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter = was=20 running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that = he was=20 number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut = down. 
   "Ah," the fighter pilot = remarked, "The=20 dreaded seven-engine approach."
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  Taxiing down = the tarmac, a=20 DC-10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After = an=20 hour-long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the = flight=20 attendant, "What, exactly, was the problem?" 
  "The pilot=20 was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight=20 attendant. "It took us a while to find a new pilot." =
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in = Munich=20 overheard the following: 
   Lufthansa (in German): = "Ground,=20 what is our start clearance time?"
  Ground (in English): "If = you=20 want an answer you must speak in=20 English." 
   Lufthansa (in English): "I am a = German,=20 flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak=20 English?" 
   Unknown voice from another plane (in a = beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war." =
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  Tower: = "Eastern 702, cleared=20 for take-off, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" 
    Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By = the way,=20 after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of = the=20 runway." 
   Tower:=20 "Continental 635, cleared for take-off behind Eastern 702, contact = Departure=20 on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern=20 702?" 
   Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for take-off, = roger; and=20 yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." =
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
  One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 = was told by=20 the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8=20 landed. 
   The DC-8=20 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the=20 Cherokee. 
   Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio = and said,=20 "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by=20 yourself?" 
   The=20 Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a = real=20 zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and = I'll have=20 enough parts for another one."
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
 
 =20 The German air = controllers at=20 Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only = expect=20 one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without = any=20 assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am = 747)=20 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control = and a=20 British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. 
   Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 = clear of=20 active runway." 
   Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to = gate=20 Alpha One- Seven." 
   The BA 747 pulled onto the = main=20 taxiway and slowed to a stop. 
  =20 Ground: "Speedbird, do you = not know=20 where you are going?" 
   Speedbird 206: "Stand by, = Ground,=20 I'm looking up our gate location now." 
  =20 Ground (with quite = arrogant=20 impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt=20 before?" 
   Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in = 1944,=20 but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
 
=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D= =3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=3D=20
  =
  While taxiing at London's Gatwick = Airport, the=20 crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn = and=20 came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller = lashed=20 out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are = you=20 going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned = right on=20 Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the = difference=20 between C and D, but get it right!" 
   Continuing=20 her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: = "God! Now=20 you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You = stay=20 right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect = progressive taxi=20 instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where = I tell=20 you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air=20 2771?" 
   "Yes,=20 ma'am," the humbled crew responded. 
   Naturally, the ground = control=20 communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing = of US=20 Air 2771. 
   Nobody=20 wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current = state of=20 mind. 
   Tension = in every=20 cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running = high. 
   Just then an unknown pilot = broke the=20 silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you=20 = once?"
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